As many of you know, I'm preparing to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. If you don't know what that means, let me explain. In the Mormon church, all worthy men are expected to serve two-year missions for the church and can go at the age of 18. Young women also have the opportunity to serve a mission for a year and a half if they choose to and can serve as soon as age 19. These missionaries spend all day every day bringing people closer to Christ. I have known that I wanted to serve a mission since I was 12 or 13 years old and that time is finally almost here! So some of you are probably wondering where I'm going to go. That's where it gets a little crazy. In the church, we don't just choose where we go and then pack up and go there. We fill out a ton of paperwork, meet with our local church leaders, and then turn all the papers in to the Church Headquarters in Salt Lake City. Then, twice a week, a group of leaders from the church all around the world meet together and go through tons of missionary applications and prayerfully decide where everyone should serve. About three weeks after turning in your mission papers, you get your mission call in the mail and find out where you will be serving for the next year and a half!
So like I said, I have kind of always known that I wanted to serve a mission, but the hard part to decide was when. Up until a couple years ago, girls couldn't serve missions until age 21, so that was the plan, but then they lowered the age to 19 and everything changed and I was so excited to be able to serve earlier. Then the time rolled around for me to start filling out the papers and actually start the mission process and I got a little freaked out. I still knew I wanted to serve but I began to doubt myself and wonder if I was ready to serve right now. I mean when you think about it, a mission is a lot of pressure! I was getting ready to sign up to leave all my friends and family for 18 months, possibly learn a new language, walk around talking to complete strangers about Jesus, and be responsible for people's eternal salvation! That's kind of intimidating! Now I wasn't feeling like I couldn't serve a mission at all, but I still felt like a kid that needs to ask permission to cross the street! I can't live in some random place all by myself yet. I need to wait until I feel like a grown up. So I did a lot of praying and talking to other people around me and I kept getting more and more confused. I would read my scriptures and think for sure I needed to wait, but then I would talk to my Bishop and feel like I was for sure supposed to go now. I kept praying and telling Heavenly Father "please just tell me what to do!" I tried to make a decision and then ask if it was the right one. Nothing. So I tried a different decision. Nothing. I couldn't tell the difference between what things were my own thoughts and what things were from the Spirit. I mean I had always been taught that if it's a good thought, it's from the Spirit, but they all seemed like good thoughts! So then I talked to a friend of mine who recently returned from her mission and asked her what she thought. I explained to her how I felt like I wasn't good enough because I can't name scripture references off the top of my head and I'm not good at telling people when they're doing something wrong and I am definitely not good with words (if you read my blog you obviously know this) and she helped me realize something really important. No one ever really feels ready for a mission. That's what the Spirit is for. It's not my job to convert people. The Spirit does that. My job is to represent Jesus Christ and to help people to feel the Spirit. She also helped me to realize that maybe the reason I haven't felt a strong answer to when I need to go is because it doesn't matter. Sometimes Heavenly Father leaves the decisions up to us. Serving a mission is something good and He will be happy with that decision no matter what. So I decided to continue on with the mission process and if there is something that Heavenly Father knows I need to be doing instead, He will make it happen.
I am so incredibly grateful and excited for the opportunity I will have to serve the Lord for a year and a half. I keep seeing friends get their mission calls and leave to serve their missions and it makes me realize that I am as ready as I'll ever be. I may not have every scripture memorized and I may not be the best teacher but what really matters is that I have a desire to teach the Gospel and that I am willing to let the Lord refine me into whatever He wants me to be.
